Hello there,
I have kind of disappeared. Well, this sometimes feels more literal than it is. Not writing feels like a red flag or an engine check light that is on, a warning that something has gone wrong. And it has.
Let’s say that the pandemic has dimmed my light more than I expected.
What do I do next? There is a new energy in the air and spring is here. Yet fatigue still seems to be the main driving force behind everything I do(n’t do).
In January I did something that actually helped me figure out how to move forward. Like other years I did yoga everyday for a month (link). Every time I had done it I started it feeling great, and as I progressed impatience and frustration became my new companions, but this time there was a twist.
I found a way to avoid it, and really enjoyed the journey at a much deeper level. I just modified the experience to fit my needs instead of bending my needs to fit into an experience that was not designed with any one person in mind. I cut videos short, modified poses, chose easy transitions and took breaks when needed. If you have never tried, please do.
I had modified activities many times under the pressure of my body’s demands. This time I leaned into self-compassion and grace with the goal to honor my needs and desires WITH NO GUILT. I felt satisfied with myself after a short, heavily modified practice. And it felt like I could finally EXPAND and take the space I needed.
This mindset was mostly inspired by Haley Jacobson (link) and Devon Price. The first is a bisexual writer and icon who makes a point of reminding everyone that being in charge of your body means that an instructor cannot really tell you what to do. You make all the final decisions. It is your body!
Devon Price wrote a book I listened to twice, “Laziness does not exist” (link), which meant so much to me. As a neurodivergent person who has always struggled to keep up with external expectations, I have internalized rules and standards that have made my life harder. Just like not having a full head of hair put an undue emphasis on hair, feeling behind in life has made me extra conscious of how much I can’t do and will never be able to do. That has meant pushing my limits instead of getting familiar with them and their fluctuations.
I rejoiced reading about his observations that made laziness, as a concept, deliciously melt away. The book is a reminder of how futile and damaging the kind of lifestyle we often aspire to can be. It also tells us that people who seem to be failing usually try to meet unrealistic expectations and have unmet needs, both of which create a very poisonous cocktail. Not meeting those needs is detrimental, and so is not readjusting internal expectations (we have limited control on external ones, but that’s another story!)
He encourages us to envision a life that diverges from the pace and shape of the life that is forced upon us, and that allows us to be as human and needy as we truly are. This really hits home.
It is all a workout to be modified! š
Being alive on an average day of any century, even more at a time of multiple potentially world-ending crises, is a lot of work even assuming a best-case scenario. We really need to lighten the load and embrace our collective humanity.
So… what I can do next is find a sustainable pace and new ways to adjust to ever-changing situations. Slowing down. Intentionally. Without self-loathing.
Showing up with whatever we have.
This is what I have to say for now!
With the due modifications and accommodations,
Dare to be b@ld
Dare to be b@ld 