Pandemic unlearning

Dear Daring Readers,

If you have hit a “pandemic wall” you are not alone. I’m there too. January felt unbearably long and grey, so long in fact, that it rivals last spring in my world. Being in a tiny bubble, while watching the world fall apart, hurts. Not that it didn’t fall apart or it didn’t hurt before, there were just more joyful activities, interactions and more real-life distractions. I am practicing holding some space to feel that pain, which is much healthier than trying to tune it out.

Here are some things that have been on my mind for a couple of months about our freedom to listen to our inner voice when it comes to gender presentation* and being semi bald.

Some people say bras are one of the most unused items during the pandemic. In my case I’d add the wig, heels and makeup to the list. With little social life we might experience less scrutiny, and that can help us behave in a way that is more aligned with our identity.

Why do people abandon some of those items? Will they wear them again when the socializing resumes?

Well, who knows…as far as I am concerned: no, thank you! The pandemic accelerated a lot of processes that were already in motion. I wanted to give up wearing the wig, I even told my colleagues at work last March, although it feels like several years ago now. I haven’t worn it a single day since March 12. The wig is gone and my scalp can shine 24/7.

As I went through my belongings, I realized parting with some stuff was swift, as my bras, for example, were already on their way out. I had already switched to bralettes or nothing at all. Other stuff though, stared at me and questioned whether some of the memories and colors were ready to leave. Hence, I didn’t make a decision as a way to honor that there is already a lot to process during a pandemic, and left some stuff suspended and undecided.

The one you see in the picture was one of the “best” ones, it is a garment and I used it as a pointless decoration that, among other things, gave me back pain. These contraptions should be well-designed, even comfortable if possible, and most are neither as this video suggests. Ditching bras might not be an option for some, especially those who need them for the support they give to large breasts. And if that is what you need, that’s OK.

As a thin person with relatively small breasts, I have the privilege to make the choice to opt out of what seems a mandatory item to have and wear, regardless of how we feel about it. Given that, like the wig, it does not feel empowering to me, I am ditching it. I do it because I can, and because I want to let go of what feels imposed by society rather than chosen by me.

This body is glorious as it is, and I get to choose what items are welcomed in its life.

By allowing yourself to choose what feels right, you open up a world of new possibilities. However, it can also feel like opening up a can of worms. I feel overwhelmed and frightened. Playing a part you have been assigned, (the one of the cisgender woman in my case) seems familiar and convenient, as you can at times get some praise and keep people happy in their very separate gender and sexuality compartments. Channeling your authentic self however, can be an entirely different story. At times it feels like a letdown, like delivering disappointment to people who don’t understand why you can’t just do what everyone else does.

Does my baldness surprise people? Yes, it does. Did I feel better when wearing a wig? No, not at all. Safer from judgement? Yes, definitely. Will my androgyny surprise people? Yes, I guess. Does it feel better to walk around honoring my own identity and preferences? Yes, so much better!

Unlearning teaches you that there is a time and a place for change, and you get to decide how, when and where to adjust, as you get to know yourself. You get to decide how, where and when you make a change, and you can take your time.

Honoring your needs, energy levels and mental space is a way to honor yourself as a whole being, even when you would like change to come all at once or fit expectations and categories. Sometimes we just want transitions to be over, to just rip the band-aid and move on, yet days come and go and require actions we don’t have the energy to complete. (Especially during a pandemic!)

I am slightly terrified to leave behind the persona I had created for people to like and praise. That was my armor. Making my androgynous self the only version available in all my interactions is a step forward I have taken very slowly in tiny little leaps. Moving towards authenticity implies vulnerability. The armor I used to carry is almost gone, and now people can see more of me. And I know that emerging as a more authentic version of myself will make me beam of joy. This video of Abigail Thorn coming out as trans made me cry.

Some of the items I mentioned might feel extremely empowering to her, and that is because she chose them as a step towards expressing her real self, they were not imposed by others, and reflect her current preferences in gender presentation as a transgender woman. You can really tell how comfortable she is in her own skin, and I really want to feel that level of joy in my own body.

Ditching some items I do not want to include in my life is merely returning some gifts womanhood delivered to me, because I have outgrown the initial trial run. I have spent enough time using them to know they don’t fit. I expect my gender presentation to vary over time, and enjoy the prospect of trying on things womanhood didn’t leave on my doorstep.

I’d recommend a book I just started, and can’t get enough of, “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle. The entire book is about the best kind of unlearning there is: embracing your desires and emotions. Since I have a long history of self-censoring, I have tons to unlearn, and lots to unleash! 😉

Give yourself time to explore your identity and preferences at your own pace.

With love, patience and virtual hugs,

Dare to be b@ld

*gender presentation = refers to how one’s appearance and behavior is categorized by society in relation to the genders recognized in that society. While gender presentation is often thought of as being an indication of one’s actual gender, that is not always the case. Taken from https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Gender_Presentation