This is your time

Dear Daring Readers,

I hope that wherever you are, whatever you are doing, however you are feeling, you are going to take 3 deep breaths with me. Inhale to take in air and exhale slowly. I have been doing it at least once a day for more than three weeks now, most days while hugging a tree. Yes, a tree.

While I do have thoughts on what is happening in the world, I do not think this is the time or place for that because I feel the need to stay afloat more than anything else. If you are anything like me (and I am not assuming you all are) your sensitivity to threats and other people’s anxiety is incredibly triggering and makes your own sense of uncertainty balloon out of control.

In this time of collective grief over what was and fear of what will be, I want to bring you some of my thoughts. Ease and compassion are not absent now despite it all. There are ways a sense of ease and self-compassion can emerge spontaneously during our day and we have the power to pay attention to what is happening looking inward.

Right now most of us have shed a few roles we usually have outside of our house and some constraints of society are not in place, while many new and unusual ones are, I know. Being a person who has a lot of alone time on a regular day I can hardly cope with more without feeling isolated, but that means that the one thing that bothers me about spending time with others is temporarily gone: having to perform the part. I am aware that some people are stuck at home with someone who is totally expecting to see them play a certain role with no changes or anomalies, and I hope you manage to find a way to break the rules to find some ease.

Being confined to a building, which is the new reality for many of us, removes some of the expectations we have to deal with on a regular basis when we venture outside. Not all of them at all times, but a great deal. And that can lead to change, temporary or permanent.

The moment I was laid off I decided to retire the wig for good. It is part of a sense of normalcy and steady life I am no longer acquainted with and will never really live again. So let change come! Most of the change coming our way is awful and mostly out of our control, yet some positive and life-affirming changes might emerge from this experience, an exploration of what can be within the four walls you are in for the time being. For example, after not wearing normal bras for months, the flattering and mildly uncomfortable ones, will I go back to the old ways? I don’t think so. After having spent so much time wearing what feels right, will I dress to impress anyone? Nope, unlikely. After having spent time on what feels right to me, say writing, will I be dismissive of my need to write? Well, in this case I hope my answer will be “no.” Being alone with my body and thoughts I can learn what feels right during trying times.

Given that so much has been cancelled and that loss has taken center stage in our lives, I have been going on “mental health walks,” walks that keep me sane in other words (a hard task!) and I have taken pictures of nature. You can find them in stories on Instagram @Dare2bebald.blog with the hashtag #springnotcancelled. The idea is that we can gain some peace of mind and joy from looking at pictures of nature to deal with a sense of uncertainty and loss.

There isn’t a lot that I can contribute on what is happening outside of your houses right now, but I consider myself a solitude expert. Yes, it takes hours of practice and I have passed the 10,000 hours that make me “a professional.” There is no badge of honor because in our society we do not value alone time and the emphasis is on socializing, pushed even on people like me who are not very likely to ever feel at ease doing it all the time.

For many years I cherished solitude and suffered from loneliness. Now I have the sufficient emotional distance to tell you that people undervalue solitude and misunderstand loneliness. Alone time is a source of energy and clarity if you let it do its thing. It teaches you about yourself and others quietly and slowly, bit by bit, day by day. It has a cathartic aftertaste and familiar feeling after a while, yet can be unfamiliar and damn right uncomfortable at the beginning. Unnerving emotions and coping mechanisms can emerge at first. It is a wave. Let it come. It will pass. Feel it.

Loneliness carries stigma as shame is always felt by the lonely, and I want to be one of its ambassadors if you let me. I have known this one for decades and can say we exclude it from what it means to be human even though we know it belongs to the things we experience in life. Loneliness is a common human experience that can give us a better understanding of others, especially marginalized communities in our capitalist system, who can feel lonely in their pursuits. Yet we want to eliminate it mostly by denying it exists because it doesn’t feel right, not by doing anything to keep it at bay. What is it anyway?

“Loneliness isn’t the physical absence of other people—it’s the sense that you’re not sharing anything that matters with anyone else. If you have lots of people around you—perhaps even a husband or wife, or a family, or a busy workplace—but you don’t share anything that matters with them, then you’ll still be lonely.”
― Johann Hari, Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions

This extract is from a book I recommend, “Lost Connections“, that brilliantly links issues in our society to the level of depression felt by people. If loneliness, a major trigger for depression, is not sharing anything of value with anyone, well, some time alone to think about what we want to share and how might actually help!

The first place where we find disconnection is inside of us. If what is shared is not meaningful then maybe we are playing it safe to be liked rather than listen to what we truly want to share. Usually we have a thousand distractions. For example, the comments of others in which expectations are reiterated in a loop of errands, fashion choices and other learned behaviors. You know what you are supposed to wear. You know someone who would be unhappy if you cancelled. You know forgetting to do something insignificant can cause an argument. You know that some people might censor your behavior if you deviate even a little. Now there is some silence for you to figure out what you consider right, true and just.

As I was not eager to deal with the reactions of my colleagues and students to my not wearing a wig, I postponed leaving it at home, waiting for better times. Guess what? I am home, a place where I wouldn’t wear a wig for the world, I might have to work from here, and no, I do not conform to their idea of me now. They will have to make adjustments to their idea of me in their minds. I will just be where I am as I am and know that no one can make me comply with the unwritten rule that women have full hair. Also, I will be a reminder that others’ authenticity is welcome, too. I am just setting an example.

We all have parts of our lives in which we feel freer and others that feel more constraining. The question is: can you bring more of who you really are to some other parts of your life? Can you relax into a more authentic self?

Stripped of my job, I found that I had only one identity left, the only other one that is fully formed and lived: the one that writes. And guess what? Despite feeling most alive when writing and performing, this year I have only performed twice and have written little. Hence, I felt that even that identity was a little worn out and flimsy. Yet, it is the only one I can hang on to in this messy world. And I will.

In this temporary reshuffle of roles I hope we will be able to redefine what we want, need and want to be.

If we are lucky that is. What we are going through collectively is like a giant highlighter of privilege.

Here I share my experience and elements of my world, which stem from the amount of privilege I have. I know some will be working much more and in more precarious and dangerous conditions than ever. I acknowledge that I can stay home and feel comfortable enough, even without having a job, at least for now. I can stay home because I was guaranteed help to be able to do so and because, well, I simply do have a place to stay. So many do not have what I have. My heart goes out to those who will not be able to pause and reflect, not even long enough to get a good night sleep because basic necessities and protections are just not accessible or available.

Also, for the productivity junkies, perfectionists and procrastinators out there. Taking a step back and pausing to reevaluate priorities is more important than ever, as individuals and as a society. Please do not compare your daily achievements to the ones of others or compel people to be productive. Taking care of oneself can keep others safe and that is enough. Do what you need to do to feel safe and soothe yourself in such uncertain times. Please, allow yourself to feel what you feel. Leave space for all the feelings as grief is going to take you all sort of places emotionally. Allow it as much as you can.

This is your time in the sense that you get to give meaning to this period of collective fear and pain. I choose to reflect on what it means to be authentic because I have temporarily lost identities that made me behave in ways that at times felt inauthentic. Given my situation I hope clarity, gained from being more attuned to my preferences, priorities and feelings, will help me deal with what is coming my way and my fear of the future. I also hope to be able to feel more powerful by focusing on what I have a passion for, to find some ease and compassion for myself and others, and to feel my power to shape the future (limited but real!)

What could you share with the world to feel more connected? What would make you feel seen?

Hugs, authenticity and compassion for all,

Dare to be b@ld