Hello Daring readers,
In December 2018 I shared my story of a semi-bald woman coming to terms with old deeply held beliefs and body image issues. I am taking you along on my journey from shame to pride to say that it can be done. To say that you could do that too. To tell a story I don’t usually tell when I just show up to places as a semi-bald woman. And yes, looking the way you want to look in a bold and unapologetic way is a great step for anyone, whatever that means to you.
This blog has mostly been about things I have changed in my life so far, even beyond body image. Low-waste alternatives to conventional products, mending, buying in bulk and reusable products are all pretty new to me and have to do with aligning with my values just as much as walking around the neighborhood without my wig.
A person’s journey through change shows that we can change. There are examples of things that evolve over time practically everywhere, yet as a society we seem to operate under the impression things will stay the way they are as much as possible. The way our society is organized and our bad habits, attitudes and issues seem to be set in stone. As if change was just inevitable, but not welcome or sought by everyday people.
Why do we even need to seek change? Well, if anything, the world is on fire, in some places literally on fire, so we desperately need to change to cool things off. Also, we have very big issues unaddressed and not getting better such as a lack of freedom of expression and accountability, gender-based discrimination, violence and increasing inequality. Plus, many others; you can add to the list yourselves. We know the way we manufacture products and organize our society is very flawed and struggle to imagine modifications. Most people only dare to imagine tiny little tweaks. We all know, even if only deep down, that it is not enough. Being able to imagine a different reality is what can bring it about, or at least start a discussion.
In case you need a book to understand one of the reasons why things are not changing at a pace that makes sense, and even more importantly going in the right direction, they can be found in “This changes everything” by Naomi Klein. I totally agree that radical change that meets the demands of the world we live in is delayed and hindered by people who do not deny climate change is a thing but choose inaction. It cannot come about because people with power benefit from the way things are, so much so that they don’t care about the consequences of inaction. The problem is that publicly believing in a human-driven climate crisis entails changing everything! Once you accept that to be true you cannot justify keeping things the way they are, it automatically becomes unjustifiable and radical change is the only option left. Now it is up to us, the people who do not benefit from the status quo, to imagine alternatives, align with our values and push leaders to listen to us.
If you think that things are changing and going in the right direction you would be right and wrong at the same time. Small incremental changes are happening and can be celebrated, but leaders are refusing to act and activists have not been able to drag them to the right path of rethinking the way we live. Change sometimes feels impossible and underwhelming, a litany of too little too late. Yet, we can do so much as individuals when we focus on our struggle. You can feel stuck for years and feel like nothing is happening and then realize that actually a lot has changed, a lot has been achieved and you can only see it if you look at the big picture.
My example is the 10-year challenge (2009-2019). I am not an overachiever, yet I have done things I never thought I would be able to do. In 2011 I moved to Vancouver and struggled as a graduate student because change felt overwhelming and I did not feel prepared for what I was doing. Although every single hurdle felt like a wall, I wanted to finish that program more than anything else in life. And I did. In June 2013 I attended my own graduation ceremony without even believing that I had reached the peak of that particular mountain.
Writing was something I had put in drawer full of dreams that had crashed miserably before I even graduated. I couldn’t find a job in my field (like many of my peers) and created a life I couldn’t even envision a few months before I got started creating it. In 2013, a year that has so far been the darkest of my life, I started writing in English. It took me months to stop feeling like a total impostor for doing it though, and it has taken me years to feel good enough when doing it. One of my most recent milestones is that I no longer feel a deep sense of inadequacy when writing poetry in English. When I gave up on writing I also bid goodbye to looking for love, years later I found it, and that included more twists and turns I could ever imagine. Last example, I suffer from social anxiety and manage to perform at events with audiences of different sizes (the biggest at The Dublin Story Slam 150+ people). You are never done surprising yourself and being surprised by life if you are open to new possibilities and ready to do things differently.
photo credit: Ian Mulholland
Yet so many of us give up on changing anything and feel like they are reliving the same set of days Monday to Friday and then sigh of relief week in, week out. From the way we see the world to how we look at recent mistakes, from preferences to unexplained behaviors, from old traditions to recipes, it is all evolving yet very still. It is a lot easier in the society we live in to think that external forces will intervene (for example luck or a calamity) or that external pressure will force us to change in the form of judgement, rules and laws that make us comply. I think intentional change based on introspection and self-discovery is overlooked and not considered as a source of valuable information and insight that can inform present and future action. It is neither taught as a practice nor encouraged by those who talk about being “better/healthier/fitter” versions of ourselves as they often tell us to rely solely on external input (and sometimes pretty wacky ideas pushed by influencers).
One person’s journey testifies to the fact that you can change things in a drastic way, and that change promotes change. Self-discovery and introspection will always lead you to epiphanies that would have been unthinkable earlier. When you give up on trying to make your hair grow you move a step closer to accepting yourself regardless of what grows on your head. When you walk outside without a wig for the first time you learn about a new level of confidence, so that you can step it up when needed. When you choose to show up the way you are without covering up what other people might not consider pretty, you are embracing yourself fully, after years of pure hatred in my case.
The input of others can be a barrier. Reminder: there is no chance of connection with others if you don’t show up as yourself. If you always feel the need to leave potentially unwanted bits of you out to be accepted, connection can only be temporary or just an illusion. Connection on a cognitive and/or emotional level makes for a meaningful interaction and a learning opportunity every time it happens.
This world is not the one I want to live in, and I do not possess the power to change it to make it my own. This is definitely not even close to my utopia. Sometimes I feel like I do not belong here at all. There have been times I thought of myself as an alien to this world, except it is of course familiar enough, despite it all.
I think we can find the energy and motivation to keep going and change to align with our values when we acknowledge the steps we have already taken, the hurdles of our past that we overcame. Also, recognizing and being at peace with the fact that our unique path will diverge from the one of others can give us strength and confidence to explore on our own.
Promoting change and ideas might never create the future you want, yet waiting for powerful people to do something means underestimating our own potential for glorious disruption and progressive shifts in our culture.
As a person who hated herself for most of her life, I can tell you: radical change is possible! As a person who thought “I can’t” most of the time for years, I can now say that I did some of the things I strongly believed I couldn’t do. Defy your assumptions and beliefs because they are not unmovable. They shift! They evolve! And so do you as a result.
Be the wind of change. Challenge thoughts. Be kind to the people on your path.
With radical love and enthusiasm,
Dare to be b@ld
Dare to be b@ld 