Dear Daring Readers,
It seems that December is a month in which I reveal things about myself and surprise people. It might turn into a tradition of some sort over time. Right now I am not sure where I am heading in life in general, but I feel this is crucial for me to find my voice and build a following as a blogger. Most of what I talk about has to do, one way or another, with appearance and identity, what comes next is an injection of honesty to keep this real.
In my posts on privilege and Dublin Pride I mentioned that I can be mistaken for a sick person, someone who is queer, or a quirky human. Also, given that at first I walked on the street without a wig feeling quite exposed, I think some people mistook my residual shame over a year ago, for sadness or pain, hereby confirming something was wrong with me.
I walk tall and confident now, because I know that in a way I have a role in society. Having found an appearance that matches my preferences and doesn’t hide what might not be liked by others, I stand for my right to be who I am freely, without shame or fear.
The question is: does it matter that some people have no idea of what I am standing for?
My looks seem to cause a number of considerations regarding my health, sexual orientation and gender. Sometimes I feel like a question mark walking on the street, eliciting questions and often not offering any answers.
The very reason I started wearing the wig was not to go bald publicly, to protect myself from scrutiny and comments. I have to be honest here. Anyone who has had a conversation in person with me knows that I mentioned not wanting people to think I was sick, mainly out of a disgust for pity. The mere idea of people looking at me with pity made me feel sick. Being mistaken for a cancer patient bothered me in a way I couldn’t explain. It seemed to create one more reason people wouldn’t want to interact with me or rather interact while feeling sorry for me.
I call myself out here. So what? If people see me and think, “She looks unwell,” that does not change anything for me. I can neither control other people’s opinions, nor actually want to, out of fear or shame. This is hypocrisy, you cannot say, “I respect everyone’s right to be themselves” and then say, “please don’t mistake me for______.” This approach does not match my beliefs.
It was very hypocritical of me to desire to project the image of someone who is healthy, no matter what. This kind of thinking hurts because it creates stigma, it assumes that some things are OK to show in public and others are not. I can be mistaken for someone who is sick and be fine with it now. I walk around town feeling free and not hurting others by asserting that being sick, for example having cancer, should not isolate people by either keeping them indoors or making them feel like nothing but a target for pity in public spaces.
Another side of this pertains to gender, and this is actually even more serious than the previous point. While I currently feel a citizen of my body like never before, I am aware that it took me a while to be fine with people potentially mistaking me for a man. If you think it offends me you are 100% wrong, it doesn’t. This journey has been a tour through lives I haven’t lived, and never will.
Going to a public toilet while looking very gender neutral made me think about all the hateful comments I would face if I were trans. I am not. That said, being gender non-conforming in spaces that might not be very accepting, summons a lot of questions on the society we live in right now. I have to confess that I often wear earrings when I look gender neutral out of fear of being discriminated. Not because I don’t want to be seen for what I am, but because I am aware of how tough it can be to be questioned in public about where you should or shouldn’t be or what you should be wearing.
Last item on the list. Queer. I am aware of the dark history of the term and would love to contribute to reclaiming it for good. When it comes to dealing with this one I think I have done a good job wearing it with pride; to be truthful, I actually feel like this one is a compliment. Yes! A compliment.
When people think I am a lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, or queer in general for lack of specificity, I take it all on board. Most of the time I do not even contradict people, whatever they say or think sits well with me and rumors of this kind mean very little to me. This year I have started a new habit of answering direct questions, which I don’t often get, truthfully. In the past I thought, I am a little ashamed to admit, that my sexual orientation was not an important enough part of my life.
I cast myself as an ally then, and started questioning my position last year. I marched in the Pride and felt different. I knew that I was not there in solidarity and that my attraction to that particular community meant a lot more than I was ready admit prior to that day. As I stated in a post a few months ago, I have never been able to understand the importance of people’s gender when people look for a partner. There are so many other factors that are way more important to many, yet we live in such a hetero-normative world that I found it easier to ignore what I knew to be true for me.
Photo credit: Valentina Gaia Lops
No one loves a gender, everyone can love people. To some gender is a relevant factor, to some it is not of great importance, if at all. By questioning my real tendencies and preferences and becoming more neutral gender-wise, I have found that it is not that relevant to me, therefore I can date wonderful human beings regardless of their gender. Isn’t it amazing?! I never thought much of this idea, but as it turns out: it is not a very straight way of looking at dating!
Being in an open and long distance relationship with a cis man, I can easily pass as straight at times, and be treated nicely, although that is not my objective. It is my great privilege to be seen as belonging to a community I am truly a member of, and proudly so. Although it took me a long time to go from ally to “maybe I am here to represent myself?!” I feel good every time I get to stand for a community that is very often not represented and silenced.
I find that there are many moments of connection born out of showing your real self that would be totally missed if trying to please others. While I know that not everyone is ready to be out and about looking different for whatever reason, that was my case for many years, I think there is real value in doing so. Sharing fosters connection, and if your appearance acts as a conversation starter, you can share with others, and promote more sharing within a community of people who might be hiding and dreading showing up as their real selves. Also, you might facilitate understanding in those who want to be allies.
In the past I have not shown up as myself out of fear of being rejected and hid so much of myself that I am not surprised I sometimes found it hard to leave the house. Playing the part of the feminine woman according to rules defined by others made me feel empty, inept and ugly. I hated the androgynous traits I could not eliminate. Narrow hips and broad shoulders cannot be altered, but can be hidden by skirts and loose sweaters. So that is what I did. I wore more make up than I was comfortable wearing, heels I was not at ease in, and painted my nails to look the way I thought I was supposed to look. And tried every possible remedy for baldness available!!!
I do the rejecting now. “Masculine” and “feminine” have been heavily influenced by Western culture with lots of rules and stereotypes that have very little, if anything, to do with biology. Binaries that feel like fossilized barriers to people who want to express themselves and assert their identity. I said it before and I say it again: you have the right to look the way you want to look. I think femininity should be expanded to include everyone who identifies as a woman, and androgyny and neutrality should be respected for what they are: very real options.
I am new at this level of honesty, especially online, and still need to get a lot better at showing up as myself. I hope that by tearing down some of the reasons why I did not do it, I will help more wonderful human beings have their time to shine as their true selves.
So the answer to the question at the beginning: does it matter that some people have no idea of what I am standing for? No, it doesn’t. Depending on where I am, I might say something about myself or not. I do answer questions if asked, and being mistaken for someone I am not is not a problem. The times it becomes an issue show us how skewed our perception of gender and sexual orientation is as a society, and small acts like showing up hopefully can question beliefs and stereotypes.
There is inherent value and healing potential in being true to oneself and evolving over time. For our own health and sanity, let’s break the chain of fear and people pleasing!
Quirkiness & freedom for all,
Dare to be b@ld
P.S. You might have noticed I have not mentioned the part in which passers-by think I am quirky. Well, I most definitely am. Eccentric to the core!!! Well spotted!
I already knew I liked myself bald.
Now I have the courage to live my truth.
Dare to be b@ld 