Embrace the rainbow

As many of you know, I have two looks and two lives. My work life is separate from my free time life. When I am not working I look boyish and semi-bald; there is no need for hiding. I wear a wig and look more feminine to go to work. Although I always look forward to taking the wig off as soon as possible, to drop the act and regain parts of myself that are usually hidden to look and sound more “professional”.

On my path to self-acceptance, I found great comfort in hiding baldness and selecting the people I wanted to open up with, when and if I chose to, taking my time. Also, I found some sort of enjoyment in having two separate lives lived in the same body. The wig felt like a hard hat to protect me from a cruel and inhumane world that could judge, ask questions and make me cry.

While the world we live in can be easily perceived as heartless and judgemental, I discovered kindness and deep connection every single time I opened up about my situation. Never had I imagined in a million years that it would feel so good to unveil my “secret”. I have been met with empathy and not a sliver of pity (that is even more frightening than judgement).

Keeping a secret and unveiling it, in private with people I trust, built boundaries that made me feel safe from harm and judgement. It gave me the power to choose and the illusion of control. I always knew the need to hide was going to slowly ease and maybe even disappear.

Once again, spending time in Uruguay in January helped me understand where I stood on this body image issue. After the two and a half weeks spent without a wig, feeling free and empowered, I did not want to give that up for approval and comfort.

The path to acceptance and beyond has offered some clarity I totally lacked, and injected some honesty in me. I hid as if I could somehow protect myself from the world I live in, as if my actions could make me invisible. As if I could change the world by hiding.

Guess what?! Things don’t change for the better without some visibility and questioning of norms. And I want to question and defy more than I want to fit in, because even when it looks like I do, I am only faking it. The truth is, I am comfortable outside of the perimeter of what is officially OK for a woman to look like in the Western world. Not only that, I have always been on the outside. Not only that, there is so much more than appearance to life and I am more than just “bald”. Not only that, I want the spotlight, I just do, because I need to have a voice as a human being.

I have no desire to be invisible anymore because I am healing now. I want this body to roar for attention. Androgyny needs to be seen and asserted, not corrected. I want to look the way I look, and pity is not an option. I am lucky to be bald. It reminds me of all the things I am and have been, and the new things I want to be, outside of that perimeter.

I believe that every time you hide you are telling yourself that there is something wrong with the way you look or behave. It is important for you to have ample space to express the person you are today. I firmly believe in our ability to naturally change and evolve. We try to stop things, from erasing wrinkles to sticking to ideas as if our lives depended on them. We often try to stop what is definitely inevitable and, in some cases, refreshing and eye opening.

We have so much to learn about visibility and perception, and so much to learn from those who are invisible in our society. Marginalized communities know this very well: if it is not seen or talked about, it is easy to think it doesn’t exist and/or matter. Hiding is an act of self-erasure. I want bald women to be widely seen and to confidently walk through life.

Considering all of this, I am on a new path, despite the fact that there is still some hiding for now. There are barriers I still want in place, maybe to avoid questions about my health or staring at work. When I pretend to have hair like anyone else (bar quite a few male exceptions!) I do so keeping in mind that I live with a desire to out myself and be seen, that might destroy this limit one day. I think about the time later that same day, when I will walk down the street as a semi-bald woman, confidently and unapologetically.

This brings me to a place where I know I can feel safe. Pride.

No hiding required. Not just because most people are already out (yes!), but because no one wants you to be in any closet of any kind. Pride month has just ended and I had a great time, especially after the Pride parade (I marched with Amnesty International). Strangers were very generous and kind, as always, at the Pride. I greatly enjoyed group hugs, high fives, dancing and singing along with a bunch of human beings I had never met before and might never meet again. I felt truly seen and realized how much hiding hurts. It does, because I never felt that free while hating my body, and I never trusted strangers as much while hiding. Hiding took some joy and pleasure out of life. Pride was indeed the right place to realize being out and about as myself is liberating and satisfying.

• 

• 

• 

People come together to show what human beings can be; a rainbow of backgrounds, nationalities, genders, life stories and preferences, that represents a multitude. It is by definition unapologetic because it is in the city center, for everyone to see, colorful and loud. It brings visibility to what is always present and often concealed.

Diversity is a peaceful harbor I am constantly looking for, even when I am not aware of it. When I feel I have entered a place where uniformity reigns I start sensing discomfort, to the point of just leaving the place where I feel I don’t belong, to feel better.

Diversity can do what uniformity never can. It frees you by nature, by reflecting what is true and occurring. Uniformity is affirmed by excluding and sanctioning. There is an aspect of enforcement of rules and policing, including self-policing, that makes people lose their voice.

Society needs to expand to include people regardless of any ideas of “normality”. The fact that I will never resemble the images of women in the media makes me unrepresented, not someone to be corrected. Let’s not forget that an idea of “normal” always excludes, attempts to correct and medicate. Representation states that I am not ashamed, afraid or broken, and have my own stories to tell. A myriad of bodies are not currently seen, especially in mainstream media, or are partly hidden in public places.

At the Pride, I felt the freedom bodies around me felt, to show their true colors, preferences and identities. We all love people, no one loves a gender. We all have bodies. Let’s love people and honor their choices, bodies and gender. Let’s not erase any of the experiences of these people and bodies. Let’s listen! Though we all matter, we are definitely not all the same.

Quick reminder: When I said to check your privilege before, I was talking about this too. If you are cisgender (you identify with the gender assigned at birth) and straight, you enjoy a level of privilege that is much higher than anyone who identifies differently.

The same way we don’t see a lot of bald women around and in the media, other groups are constantly eliminated from public discourse and are mostly unseen in public places. Trans people and their experiences and bodies are commonly erased or, even worse, misrepresented in the media. Seeing people from marginalized communities openly being themselves is a potent reminder of, on one hand, the beauty and power brought by that freedom, and on the other, of how these same people might not feel safe on a normal day on their own. If you are not represented in the media, politics and mainstream culture, and people believe you don’t matter, there aren’t many places in the world where you feel safe and protected.

I have the privilege here in Dublin to be able to walk on the street without hiding, knowing that all that can happen is that someone could think I am ugly, sick or queer. And I don’t care!

I would like to encourage you to show up as you are, whether you are part of a marginalized or underrepresented community or not, and welcome people’s gazes, solidarity, support and curiosity. That is of course, when you feel safe enough to do so, and feel like doing it. Also, pay attention to the way you speak about people: their appearance, gender and sexual orientation. Try to notice when you assume people to be straight, to want a certain body or look, or their gender. Slowly shift to a more respectful way of talking to people and about people by paying attention to your actions and the ones of others, and to their preferences and choices.

Fully embrace this rainbow.

With Love, Protests, Riots and PRIDE,

Dare to be b@ld

•