(R)evolution in the making

Hello everyone!

I haven’t posted for a while. After weeks of fighting this unintentional break I finally embraced it. And I am here, writing about it.

My world has definitely not stood still. Quite the opposite, I have actually started a new path beyond self-acceptance, towards compassion, activism and radical self-love. My world has been changing at such a pace in fact, that I literally feel dizzy and exhausted.

It turns out that when I started posting on this blog a few months ago I opened the flood gates to a myriad of things I had not examined in years, or seen in years, hidden in plain sight.

I can gladly report that I have been performing spoken word and telling stories in a manner that is new and refreshing. Every opportunity I have to be seen is a good one, regardless of circumstances, and showing up as my real self is my new self-assigned duty. I did not show up to get something out of it, although sharing is always important, I did it to be visible and be seen. Also, I realized that as a performer I give much more when I take my ego out of it, which means that I show up for the fun, not to show what I can do.

Every time I get on stage without wearing a wig something changes, I can feel it in my body. I honor my true self and the body I have. Nothing shows confidence like not hiding and welcoming the spotlight. I know I was not ready for this before, I am now.

Showing up as a bald human being means a lot to anyone who is struggling with body image. This is a reminder that you can also do this, if you wish of course, and by doing it, you allow other human beings to do the same. It is like a magic signal that whispers, “It is OK.” It creates new space for expression, for creativity and love. Not just self-love.

I have listened to some books to try to tame my wild thoughts. Having too many ideas for things to do and write about usually translates into being stuck and overactive. Hence my need for some guidance. The book You deserve the truth by Erica Williams Simon helped me in the process I was already embarked on: analyzing and changing, if necessary, my beliefs.

Any millennial could benefit from reading that book, although what I am doing is even more radical. I am slowly going over all my assumptions and behaviors to track down their origins and reasons for existing. Needless to say, it has been an exhausting journey!

One of the many things I have recently realized is that my past self would not like my present self. I was writing a story for the Dublin Story Slam when I realized this was part of my new journey. Talking about how I got to redefine the milestones of my life, and deciding autonomously what I deem crucial (hint: it has got nothing to do with jobs or money), I saw my past self cringing, and laughed.

Then, I got concerned, and thought about all the people like me who might not like me now, because I have accepted my current situation in ways that I thought impossible. My past self would feel threatened by my confidence, warn me about what people might think of my appearance, and annoyed at my deliberate silliness.

This post is all about this tiny little thing called change that people often slander by mentioning it only in respect to changing someone’s appearance or throwing something away to get something new.

That is not the change I am talking about!!!

Change is at an individual level about how we see the world and live in the world. I am so fed up with things I want to change and can’t change as a citizen. The lesson I have learned, from new personal milestones and from being an openly bald woman, is that we evolve by questioning beliefs and changing our behaviors. It can make you feel like you have no ground under your feet at times.

The very fact that I am here attests to the fact that I can write, even when I feel stuck, and that evolving is scary because it challenges us to embrace not knowing things. Certainty made me very sad for years. I was certain I was not good enough, people didn’t like me and I couldn’t achieve anything worth mentioning. I was certain I would lose everything if I lost my hair. And then it happened. I lost my hair! I am so glad it happened!

Losing my hair forced me to face some of the basic truths I had based my life on, by contradicting some statements with a clarity I could have not achieved otherwise. I found love when it was already clear I was losing my hair. I managed to perform on a stage, faced my fears and liked the experience. I have felt people’s love and approval when openly sharing my struggles. Not only has my life improved, my belief system has.

We evolve. We can change the way we see our bodies, the way we embrace our life, the way we live it. Asking questions is the seed that leads to change. I have been listening to The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor and have enjoyed walking on a new path to radical self-love after mastering acceptance. Not that it is something you can achieve once and for all, though I feel like it is part of me now. Hence the need to go beyond it. As the book states correctly, acceptance is not good enough. It is merely the first step. I’ll let you know how the other ones go.

Challenge your thoughts and analyze their origin. Do you want to hang onto them? Do you want to let them go?

Right now I might not be spending my time the way I envisioned, as I had many posts planned, but I am focusing on rewriting my own script. End date? My last breath!

How are you evolving? How are you showing up in the world? What beliefs have you challenged?