Keepers of 2018

I hope the beginning of the year brought some new things, maybe something better than a resolution or two, and that it feels like a new beginning. If it doesn’t it is fine, we all need a fresh start at some point, besides, syncing our changes with most of the Western world brings dubious benefits, if any.

Instead of introducing you to the new things I want to start in 2019, I am taking you through the things I discovered in 2018 and want to keep up going forward. These are micro decisions and practices that seem unrelated; however, they all brought something I needed into my life.

A few years ago, I fell out of love with plastic (packaging in particular) and ventured into the world of reusable items. You might wonder why, and yes, I do realize it is trendy now, but that does not explain it. Is it to be virtuous? Is it to be a good citizen? Is it to save the world? Is it just cool?

Well, for me it all started looking at reusable products and watching things shift little by little. I am curious enough to have welcomed this kind of experiment with enthusiasm. It turned out that feeling good about it is, for me, more about the activities I do to avoid unnecessary plastic or single-use items than the virtuous nature of new habits.

Exactly like my looking in the mirror changed completely over time, my habits as a consumer have changed slowly but surely, to the point that I wonder if there is a way out of the system to cease being a consumer for good. That last part is a long story though, for another day.

When the initial curiosity and excitement over DIY projects, cooking from scratch and buying in bulk wore off, I kept going, but at a very slow pace, changing a few things but not much overall. Hence the frustration last year, when I realized that I hadn’t done a lot of things I actually wanted to do. I decided to forgo the flagellation that seemed to be mandatory at that point, and took advantage of all the things at my disposal to make them happen.

I did it in the name of aligning with my values, in the name of authenticity, not out of duty or self righteousness, that is why I found it liberating. This is not a normative path I am laying down, it is really just my own path, with all the fringe benefits brought by good habits and choices made over the last few years, not to mention my upbringing.

In the last few years I have proudly shopped second-hand whenever possible and avoided buying new things unless necessary. That is to say that, in my opinion, to tend to our needs and be responsible, the first thing is to pay attention and plan purchases, not just in order to save money, but to make sure that need is the driving force, not want.

I have donated things I do not use, although I am still holding onto some items I rarely use. Pressuring myself into purging stuff I don’t use every day is not on my to-do list. I find that it is very dangerous to use minimalism, a wonderful concept, to mimic dieting. If fasting is to regaining weight what purging is to accumulating stuff, we don’t make any progress. We are addicted to buying stuff and pushed to do so for reasons that need to be examined, to discern our needs from the needs we have been fed by ads. So don’t give it up cold turkey! Understanding an addiction and its mechanisms is the first step, and can’t be skipped as far as I am concerned.

And to do exactly that, I recommend a book that in 2018 helped me to analyze my relationship with stuff: “A Life Less Throwaway” by Tara Button. Also, if reading a whole book is not for you, this article and Tara’s blog might help those who want to go beyond Marie Kondo’s tidying up method.

There is one type of shopping I love: grocery shopping. It beats any other type of shopping in my world. I realized years ago that my love for fruit and vegetables went beyond what I was buying. A product sold loose gave me much more pleasure to buy (and eat), so I desperately wanted to spend less time at the supermarket. Yes, I said it, not money (that too, of course!), but time. I find supermarkets and shopping malls depressing. In the past, I thought it was just because in those places all you can be is a customer. They make me feel strangely alienated, especially when I am in place full of people where there is no interpersonal interaction whatsoever.

Spending time in a crowded place with no willingness to talk to anyone, not even briefly, breeds disconnection. Proximity does not have to translate into relationship at all times, but knowing your neighbor, or your food supplier can be a life changer.

I am fully aware shopping at local markets is not an option available to everyone: for years, I had no alternative to supermarkets and thought it was out of my reach. Then I moved to Dublin and found a tiny Saturday market that changed everything. A place that, despite being an outdoor market in Ireland, is warm and welcoming. A place where vendors introduce themselves and chat about ingredients they sell, and what to do with them. A place where having a chat is for the visitor part of the charm, and for the vendor part of the job. A place where there is no need for packaging and things can be bought in bulk.

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Note here that this is the first place where I showed up as my balding self without feeling ashamed of myself. People don’t even know what I look like during the week there. I really want to stress here the importance of feeling accepted by people, not just the closest people you share a lot with, but the people you interact with on a regular basis. Those people can change one’s perception of the world. Being a welcoming and warm stranger means including people because they show up and are human beings. It is indeed easier to show your true self to someone who does not know what you are normally trying to hide. I can’t stress enough the importance of being there in person. Many of the people we interact with daily are not present in the room, so much so that the need for a sense of community that does not depend on technology is very real.

Dealing with my relationship with stuff has taught me that you actually strengthen the relationship with what you have by reducing and buying thoughtfully. It does not mean detaching and not keeping mementos, it means committing to be your things’ keeper and minder. It means fixing and mending, choosing carefully and appreciating with intention. I am going to do it now. There are some items I particularly love from last year.

One of the best things that came from this quest for a life more aligned with my values is the magic of knowing I am not going to buy feminine hygiene products ever again.

At age 30 I know I have picked reusable pads, tampons and menstruation cups that will easily last until menopause. My menstruation kit requires learning, doing things differently and maintenance. If you find it daunting or disgusting, please consider the fact that what you throw away is stinkier and does not magically vanish: it creates a problem somewhere else.

Tara Button encourages the reader to make ads for the things we already have. Here I am, sharing some of the awesome things I decided to bring into my life, and keep as long as possible. Although disposable products contribute to our lives in many ways, both positive and negative, the contribution is overwhelmingly positive and multi-faceted when it comes to what we can create from scratch or wash and reuse.

This is my family of little helpers who take care of me during that time of the month, and I in turn, take care of them when it is over. Other products sold in bulk are solid soap, solid toothpaste, solid mouthwash, refillable dental floss, washable cotton rounds, shower gel, laundry detergent, baking essentials, seeds and grains. For example, I buy the ingredients to make my vegan pancakes in bulk, and use all my creativity and cooking abilities to make them taste great and look great. The packaged version of what I make lacks personality, quality and taste in comparison. Plus, it is wrapped in a plastic blanket I don’t find particularly appealing…

I have a feeling I will write more about this in the future.

These choices have made me more thoughtful when I happen to head out to buy something or see an ad. Although the allure of stuff is waning, I remember very clearly what it felt like to be pulled in and constantly think about what that new product would bring into my life. I now look for products that can stay in my life for a longer period of time and that I truly need. When an ad promises me big changes and new beginnings I remind myself that I am in charge of that, and I just turn my head away.

Another thing I had to start doing again to align with my values and feel more satisfied, was writing. For many years it was like walking on quicksands, I would be swallowed by my desire to write and share, because I couldn’t stay motivated. There had been a voice in my head saying, “You are not good enough,” on repeat for at least a decade. Also, I kept telling myself that one day, in a not so distant future, I would find the courage and write. And then, one day it dawned on me that my inner critic needed to shut up for me to have a voice. Don’t get me wrong, I want to get better, and for that reason I don’t listen to my inner bully anymore. It tells me not to do what is imperative for me to start. Making mistakes when starting is not proof that you should not be pursuing a new endeavor. Practicing entails a trial and error process leading to epiphanies and steep learning curves. I can’t stress enough the amount of stress this takes away from me. Knowing that honing skills takes falling, and that serious commitment does not translate into flawlessness EVER, is just freaking awesome.

Here I am, DOING it.

Although this has been a safe space so far (no trolls yet!), I have to say that fear of hateful comments prevented me from creating this blog for months. Over a year ago, I felt the need for a safe space. A place where I could bring my poems, my vulnerability and my insecurity. If that is too much baggage, then the place is not for me.

Once again, in the spirit of appreciating what I have, I want to tell you about this quirky event. It is an open mic without a mic (yes, there is no microphone!) in a basement of a pub on Mondays. At The Circles Sessions I know I can listen to an eclectic group of people and literally tap into the energy of the performances for inspiration or motivation. I think we underestimate the importance of having a place where the room energetically “hugs you” when everyone laughs and claps at the same time during a performance. Being part of an active audience is in itself good for your health I think, especially for the lonely ones like me. And talking about skills to hone: listening attentively is hard, so we all practice together on Mondays. It is so powerful to be listened to when there is something to be shared, whatever that is, incomplete as it might be.

I was thrilled to find a second safe space where I could share freely and enthusiastically. The Dublin Story Slam is a delightful event I participated in a few months ago and loved. That is the place where I found myself telling the story of my transition to semi baldness for the first time, in front of a big audience. Telling a story that night reminded me of how much I loved doing it. Those moments on the stage propelled me forward and compelled me to share widely here, on Dare to be b@ld.

The journey into 2018’s best new entries wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t mention yoga. Being a person who is not bendy at all, you can imagine that it took a lot of patience and acceptance to get through the first few tries. By syncing movement and breath I have to slow my thoughts down and carefully consider what I can and cannot do. When I find a pose I can’t do and feel stuck, as the YouTube teacher says, it is time to tap into my inner smile. Had I known the pleasure of truly slowing down and accepting my limitations while appreciating what I can achieve, I would have tried it ages ago. And I would have tried a multitude of other things sooner and with intention, instead of stumbling onto random things and thinking, “Maybe that is my jam, who knows…”

To end this post I chose one of the best moments of 2019 so far. I started the year spending time with someone who means a lot to me, who is now the official proofreader of this blog. This photo was taken to celebrate looking just the way I look and not hiding anything.

In 2019 I will focus on practicing and finding ease. What about you?

Love,

Dare to be b@ld

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